Author’s Note: This chapter took a lot longer than I originally expected, mostly because I needed to perform a major rewrite at one point. Hope you enjoy! – W.M.
Submissive in Surrey
Chapter 6: Questions and Answers
Jan parked the Bentley and the three of us entered Ravensthorp’s high street and made our way to the Red Lion. The building was three hundred years old if it was a day, but inside it was refurbished, but with an eye to retaining its charm. At once, I felt warm and comfortable, which I suppose was a good thing since in a way I was here to perform for my supplier.
“Let’s grab that small table over there,” Jan said. We did so with some haste as the pub was already filling up.
“How long until the trivia starts?” I asked. “Not for a while yet, we’ve time to have dinner first. The roast of the day is must-crust beef, I’ll have that. Myf? What about you?”
“I’ll have the same,M… Jan.”
“I have a theory”, I said, “that the true British national dish is the pub curry, and have made it my mission to try every one I can. So the curry of the day for me, please.”
Myf left to place our orders. Jan took the opportunity to quietly ask me if I was going to be all right with this. “What do you mean, Jan?” I asked, slightly perplexed by the question.
“It Only now occurred to me, what you said before about being used as a sideshow by your father. If this is going to be uncomfortable for you, we can call it off and just have a meal and a few drinks.”
“It’s not the same thing at all, don’t worry,” I said. “I love trivia competitions – maybe too much. I er, kind of got bannered from the Regent Hotel in Kingsford, near the university.”
“I can’t believe you’d get rowdy enough to get thrown out,” Jan said with a sly smile. “I mean, I know you’re Australian, but – “
“Oh, way to stereotype the colonial, Dame Muckety-Muck,” I replied, matchingthe smile with a grin of my own. “For your information, I got banner because I won too often and was scaring patrons away.”
“That is music to my ears, Annette. I wouldn’t say no to a taste of victory here – no pressure though.”
“That’s right,” I said, “Myf said something about you weren’t coming back here. Bad experience? Spill the beans. If I’m going to be your secret Weapon, I’ve got to know what I’m up against.”
Jan witnessed. “It’s rather embarrassing that he irritates me as much as he does. Rob Kellaway has been running the trivia competition here since it started, and since it started, Myf and I have never won. It doesn’t help that most of the other teams have anything from six to ten members, and it also doesn’t help that he sets difficult questions. And he tends to niggle at us about our lack of success, so I’d love to wipe the smile from his face.”
“Okay,” I answered, “I hope I don’t get into trouble by telling you that’s the pettiest thing I’ve ever heardd you say. It’s refreshing, really. So let me ask the obvious question first: why haven’t you added more members to your team?”
“Argh. Would you believe me if I told you most people find me too intimidating? There are exceptions, but most of those aren’t interested.”
“Well, you can be intimidating,” I replied, “but you aren’t now, so I don’t get it.”
“I think sometimes the title gets in the way. You, of course, are from a country where passengers get into the front seat of taxis. The phrase ‘Jack is as good as his master’ is practically written into your constitution, and I find that refreshing.”
“All right,” I chuckled, “so what are we playing for, besides the honourite Baronet?”
“Meal and drink vouchers, mostly, although there’s a final question that has a cash prize. Forget about that, though. He sets the questions for that so hard that it hasn’t been won for over a year. It’s jackpotted to its maximum of one thousand pounds.”
I gave out a low whistle. “Even split three ways, that’d get me out of the back rent hole with some pin money left over.”
“Annette. Really. Don’t think about winning that. The question will be extremely difficult.”
“Noted, Jan,” I said, “but you have to understand, a trivia competition to me is like waving a mechanical rabbit in front of a greyhound.” It was true. No hyperbole. I could feel my pulse racing and my grin growing wider.
“Well, then,” Jan replied, “perhaps you could go to the bar and get the drinks in, that might calm you down a bit. Just tell Josh to put it on my account. He knows what Myf and I will have.”
I nodded assent and made my way to the bar. The barman – “Josh”, I assumed – was tall, dirty blond and possessed of rakish good looks which were only amplified by the easy smile he offered as he saw me approach. “What’ll it be, darlin’?”
I blinked. “You’re an Aussie?”
“As are you, if my ears don’t lie, and a bushfire blondeas well. I’m – “
“Josh. Is that right? I’m Annette. Could you -” but he had already brought down a bottle of Bushmills, Jan’s preferred whiskey, and was pouring a double shot. He then opened a bottle of Carsons cider and filled a half-pint glass with the apple brew.
“Double Bushmills for Dame Janet and half pint of cider for Myf. And what would you like, Annette? I’ve a couple of nice lagers on tap. Or a glass of white wine? I’m guessing you’re from Sydney, so…”
“Gin and tonic – just a single, please. You can guess my home state from my accent? Quite a feat. I did spend some time in Sydney, but I’m from the Hunter Valley. Nearest town’d be – uh, Merriwa, I suppose. And you?”
He answered that he was originally from Melbourne while he made my drink. “I won’t hold it against you, ” I quipped. Both of us wanted to natter on a bit more, but Josh had more customers and Myf was waving me back to the table. “See you later, Melbourne,” I smiled.
“Looking forwardto it, Hunter.”
I walked back to our table with a smile on my face and the drinks on a tray. Myf said, “That Josh is a hottie, isn’t he? I could see him walking onto the beach in Summer Bay with a surfboard under his arm.”
“Well, that’s where Chris Hemsworth got his start, and look at him now,” I mused. “He’s Thor. Come to think of it, Josh does have a bit of that Hemsworth quality to him. Wonder if they’re related?”
“He’s got a really big cock, too.”
“WHAT?” I spluttered and choked on half a mouthful of G&T, lucky not to spray it on Jan.
“Like a baby’s arm holding an apple.”
“Oh my God,” I groaned.
“That’s what she said,” Jan added, before my two torqueors dissolved into laughter, vastly amused by my disappoint. “She was pretty ‘thor’ afterwards, as I remember.”
“Honestly, Myf,” I sniffed, working hard to claw back some composition, “I expected more from an innocent young girl like you. Next you’ll tell me you were ‘tho thor you couldn’t even pith.’” I didn’t know if Jan laughed because of the joke or because I described Myf as innocent, but I’d take it either way. In any event, I insulated myself from any further speculation about my new acquaintance’s attributes by getting up to collect our meals.
I had a moment or two when I thought I’d chose my meal poorly. The two plates of roast beef were Replete with must-edged meat, roast potatoes, vegetables, gravy and Yorkshire pudding. My simple bowl of veggie korma with rice and naan couldn’t compete; at least until I tucked in to start eating. The fragment sauce tasted as good as it smelled, and the dish paired deliciously with the basmati rice and the soft naan. I was cleaning my bowl with the last piece of the naan, soaking up every last tasty drop of sauce with the flatbread, when I looked up to notice that Jan and Myf were only halfway through their meals. I laughed nervously and took a sip of my drink.
“Feel free to order something else if you’reStill hungry, Annette.” Jan said, “Pudding perhaps? Or another drink, if you want.” Her glass was empty but she put her hand over it, adding “None for me, I’m driving.”
I had no desire for ‘pudding’ or dessert in other words, but I was suddenly struck with an idea. “Um, I could do the driving on the way back, if you wanted. I’ll cut myself off, you and Myf could have a few drinks and relax…” My voice trailed off, as I remembered the “Mini incident” and its aftermath. Silly cow, the Ugly Voice mocked. She’s not going to trust you with that expensive car! “Uhh, never mind. Sorry, Jan. Stupid idea.” I suddenly found my empty bowl to be fascinating.
“Look up, Netty dear. Look at me,” Jan said. “On the contrary, I think that’s a very kind and generous offer, and I believe I’ll take you up on it. Thank you. Could you get me a half of Guinness to chase the whiskey, please? And you, Myf? Same again?”
Myf agreed, so I returned to the bar and thankfully did’t have to wait long to be served, as I could see the trivia host setting up. Josh offered to mix me up a lemon, lime and bitters when I told him I was now designed driver, and as he made the drinks I allowed myself to imagine what he’d look like naked. He looked up when he was finished pumping the Guinness and must have caught the expression on my face.
“Uh-oh. What did Dame Janet and/or Myf tell you?”
I wasn’t ready for that question. “Um, nothing – gotta go, get ready for the quiz,” I muttered, and walked back to the table, feeling my cheeks burn.
When I got back to the table I saw that we already had an answer sheet. I looked over it – it seemed straightforward enough, with spaces for twenty numbered answers. “Is this the whole thing, or…?”
“Just the first of two rounds,” Jan replied. Eyeing my drink, she asked, “Is that a pink gin? I thought you said you weren’t drinking any more tonight.”
“Lemon, lime and bitters. The colour comes from the bitters. Not enough alcohol in this to make a gnat squiffy. Super refreshing on a hot day, but still good any time.”
“Ooh, can I try a sip?” Myf asked. “Yeah, that’s yum,” was her verdict.
The trivia host choose that moment to start proceedings. “Welcome, everyone, to the Red Lion’s weekly trivia competition. I’ve been around to all the teams I know with pencils and answer sheets, if I’ve missed anyone, please come up here. No one? Very good. I see all the usual doubts are here tonight, we have ‘ I Thought This was Speed Dating’ – honestly guys, that’s the kind of team name that’s funny exactly once.” The named team appeared to be three middle-aged couples who cheered at being acknowledged. “Who else? Ah, yes, ‘Risky Quizness’ are here, welcome! And the ‘Thursday Throughbreds’ as well.”
Each team reacted more or less noisily and happily to their names. Everyone appeared to be a few drinks in and in a good mood.
“And Dame Janet is back as well! Great to see you and your ‘Round Table’ back after a hiatus. Still seems short of a few knights, though.” Interestingly, to me at least, the crowd became a bit quiet at the mockery, and it dawned on me just how well-regarded, if not beloved, Jan was in Ravensthorp.
“Round Table?” I asked. “Was that the best team name you could come up with?”
Jan looked annoyed. “The first time we played, Myf and I took a small round table like this one. Best name I could come up with on short notice.”
Kellaway, or whatever his name was, dispensed with further preliminaries and got straight into proceedings, for which I was grateful. “Question one: The ‘fovea’ is associated with which of the five classic human senses?” Jan grabbed the pencil, wrote “sight” on the answer sheet, and muttered “Right up my alley.”
“As the actress said to the bishop,” I retorted, earning a snort from Myf. We were feeling good until Kellaway opened his mouth again.
“Dame Janet will have no trouble with that one.” he added, and suddenly I saw red.
“That arsehole! He just gave away the answer to anyone who knows you at all,” I fumed.
“Calm, Netty dear. Keep your powder dry. He knows nothing about you,” Jan said, controlled as ever.
“Question two: What is the capital of the U.S. State of Minnesota?” Kellaway asked, seemingly oblivious to my ire.
“Well, that’s certainly Minneapolis,” Jan said, her hand poised to write the answer. I put my hand on her wrist to stop her. “No.” I replied, shaking my head for emphasis. “Minneapolis is the largest city, yes; but St. Paul is the actual capital. Trust me, I know this one.”
“Good,” Jan smiled, relinquishing the pencil to me. “Do you know all the capitals of the United Treasonous Former Colonies?” she added, winding.
“Mmmmostly,” I said, chuckling at the reference. “I know North Dakota is Bismarck, and definitely not Hitler.”
“Hey, I saw that episode!” Myf laughed.
“Question three: What was the title of H. G. Wells’ first novel?”
I scribbled “The Time Machine”. So far, so good.
……
With the twenty questions of the first round asked and answered, Jan and I were outside taking a cigarette break while Myf got the next round of drinks in. I looked around at our fellow smokers, all huddled outside like fugitives, and not for the first time wondered why I was still doing this to myself. “I really ought to quit these things,” I muttered to Jan.
“Why don’t you?” she asked.
“I have, several times. I sometimes think there’s no such thing as quitting the durs, just shorter or longer periods between relapses.”
Jan had that twinkle in her eye that showed she was amused. “I enjoy learning new bits of Australian vernacular from you, dear. ‘Durries’ are cigarettes, yes?”
“Yes. Don’t ask me where the word comes from, I haven’t the fearest. Have you ever tried to quit, yourself?”
“No, never have,” Jan replied on a grey exhale. “Never wanted to. These cigarettes were my father’s blend before they were mine, and every time I smoke one, I’m reminded of him.”
Of course, I realized that Jan’s father had to be deceased for her to be the Baronet. There was more of a story there, but before I could ask, we were called back inside for the second round. “Another time,” Jan said, no doubt aware of my curiosity.
……
Back inside the pub, I thanked Myf for the fresh LLB. “Do we have the scores yet?” I asked.
“Any minute now,” Myf said.
I was tensed up inside, like always during a trivia competition. Jan noticed. “Do try to breathe, dear. If you keel over, we might have to forfeit.”
Any retort I might have made was cut off by Kellaway. “Is everyone ready for the second round? I’ll come around with your sheets as well as round two question sheets. But let’s check the halftime scores and review the answers. In third place, with sixteen points, we have… ‘Bite the Wax Tadpole!’”
A raucous group of young males, possible students, raised a cheer. I inhaled and held the breath.
“In second place, on eighteen points – ‘The Usual Suspects’!”
My heart was pounding. We were either on top or nowhere. I racked my brain trying to remember where we might have gone wrong. I knew we missed a couple, but there were several questions with bonus points, so a perfect score would be over twenty. There was a chance…
“And in quite the upset, our leaders on nineteen points – ‘The Round Table!’ It appears Dame Janet has a new knight who – “
We never did get to hear what he was about to say. To my surprise, the entire pub erupted into a cheer. I looked at Jan, and then around, from face to cheering face.
Jan was beloved. There was no other way to put it. And even though this was only the half-way point, she as well as Myf were all smiles. The Ugly Voice was telling me I still had plenty of time to screw it up, though.
……
Fifteen questions later and I was less than sure about our chances. The second round’s questions seemed more difficult than the first’s. Jan and Myf were more sanguine.
“You’re the best, Netty!” Myf exclaimed. “You’re killing this!”
“It’s a team effort, Myf. You were clutch with those couple of pop culture questions. And Jan has us covered with the U.K. specific stuff I couldn’t get.” I drained the last drops of my LLB and waited for Kellaway to speak. I didn’t have to wait long.
“Question thirty-six: Who was the first recipient of the Nobel Prize for Physics in 1901? And for a bonus point, why did this person receive the award?”
I grabbed the pencil and scribbled “Wilhelm Roentgen, for the discovery of X-rays.”
“That’s fucking amazing, Netty,” Myf said breathlessly.
“Language, Myfanwy. Are you certain, Annette?” Jan asked.
“Yep. Cheap bonus point. If you know one, you’re going to know the other.”
“I’mstarting to see why you got kicked out of your pub back home.”
That was my high-water mark, however. Of the remaining four questions, I had an uncertain answer for one and no idea of the other three. I was worried – really worried. That was not a good time for the answers to dry up. And I’d been almost cocky before, as the Ugly Voice was only too happy to remind me. I’d wanted to win this for Jan so badly and I could feel it slipping away. After a short break to add up the scores, Kellaway tapped his microphone and began to speak. “I’d like to thank everyone for competing tonight, and I and the Red Lion hope you’ve all had a good time. Now it’s time to announce the prizewinners, after which I’ll ask the bonus question worth one thousand pounds!”
This was intended to provoke a cheer from the crowd; it was met with a round of indifference. Clearly no one expected to win the cash.
My head was in my hands as he spoke again. This shouldn’t have meant so much to me, but itdid.
“In third place,” Kellaway began, “on thirty-four points, ‘Bite the Wax Tadpole’!” This was met with a volley of applause as one of that team stepped up to receive their prize vouchers. I was frantically doing the sums in my head. Were we better or worse than thirty-four?
“I’d just like to tell everyone this was one of the tightest contests I’ve seen at this vendor, and there was very little between the leaders – one point, in fact. But there can only be one winner. In second place with thirty-five points, so close but so far away – ‘The Round Table!’”
Second place.
I hung my head, wanting to apologise but unable to speak. Myf, bless her, was up on her feet and practically bouncing to Kellaway to collect our prize. Jan put a hand on my shoulder and asked me what was wrong.
“I failed you,” I answered in a voice dark as obsidian.
“What -” she started to ask, but was drowned out by Kellaway’s amplified voice announcing ‘The Usual Suspects’as the night’s winners. He then stated that he was about to ask the cash jackpot question. I looked up and towards him, hanging on every single word. Jan had already written our team name on a coaster, ready to record an answer. She put her hand on mine and said, “Remember what I told you before. This last question is going to be too hard for anyone. Take it easy.”
All of Jan’s wise counsel flew out the window when Kellaway announced, “The subject of tonight’s cash jackpot question is chemistry.”
Chemistry. Fuck me.
I could hardly breathe. On one shoulder, jubilation and the promise of never having a better chance to win the money; on the other, the Ugly Voice, sitting like a vulture that’s already feasted but still has room for pudding. You’re going to screw this up anyway, and then she’ll realize what a phony you are…
“I will repeat the question three times. Once I have done that, all teams will have thirty seconds to get their answers to me. This is a two part question and I will only accept an answer as correct if both parts are correct. As always, the merest sight of a mobile phone or other such device will result in disqualification. I wish everyone the very best of luck.”
“Wish for a miracle more like,” Myf snorted. “Or maybe a Netty?”
I didn’t see Jan glare at Myf, but I could feel it. “Come on,” I muttered, “don’t keep us in suspension!”
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