Casper lay in his bunk in despair. His eyes were puffy from crying. It was after lights out. Holly lay in her own bunk facing the wall and seemed to be sound sleep. He wished he was too, but he couldn’t. Not after the woman he loved had let him go like this. What was he to do, how could he go on from here. His whole world was in ruin and there were no tools to put it back together. He cuddled his pillow as tight as he could between his arms and legs despite the cuffs but he still felt so lonely. Why couldn’t I have just got killed instead of being arrested that day, he thought.
He tried not to think about Jane, but it was hard. He closed his eyes and saw her pretty face, he saw the way she carried herself with such tenderness and authority, he remembered her curvy figure and mesmerising scent. He felt his chatity cage get tighter.
He wanted it off, it had not even been two days, but the cage was torqueing him. Anytime he saw or thought of something sExy, the cage quickly reminded him that he was forbidden from any kind of relief. He moved his hands still in the cuffs down to the cage and placed them around it. Even though he couldn’t get much pleasure physically, it still felt fun and naughty that his dick was locked away and tightly secured. He rubbed his balls and played with the small padlock, if felt good. He wondered if he could still make himself cum despite it. He tried moving the head piece back and forth but it was difficult. His penis was as hard as it could get in it and there was no room for it to rub against the head. He thought about Jane, he imagined her big gorgeous bum sitting on his face while she smiled sadistically and teased his poor locked up penis. Casper used both his hands and tried to move it faster, it felt so good to rub himself while he was in his handscuffs. It felt so naughty, he was getting very horny.
“Are you doing what I fucking think you’re doing?!” Holly’s voice snapped him back to reality. He stopped immediately and was frozen with embarrassment.
“Errmm…” he said bashfully.
“Aw for fuck’s sake Casper! What’s wrong with you?! That’s fucking gross. If I wasn’t so shattered, I’d come over there and battery you!”
Casper felt guilty.
“Please Holly, I’m really sorry. I thought you were sleep. I didn’t mean to upset you, honest. I tried to be as quiet as I could.”
“Tried! You’re about as subtle as a shite in a punch bowl. God!” she turned over in her bunk angrily. “What the hell is wrong with you men! You can’t go five minutes without wanting to cum! Even being chained up and that chatity belt won’t stop you. Why can’t you have any self-control?!”
Casper looked down sadly, “Do you…do you hate men Holly?”
“Ha! Let me tell you a story Casper. When I worked at the docks in Greenock, we dealt with a lot of high-profile clients. Most of the time, the shipments and exchanges went without a hit, it was my job to protect our clients the best I could.”
“One day though there were a group of Americans who came to deliver a shipment of M16’s. Proper sister-shagging Hillbillies. The client came on board the vessel to inspect the goods, I was standing about one hundred feet away, looking up at the clouds. Two seagulls flew in a circle overhead and I got a bad feeling, but I brushed it off. I should’ve listened to my gut.”
“Next thing, I hear shouting from the boat, the client was upset that they had not provided the correct number of rifles. The Americans barked back at him. As it was my job to ensure everything went as smoothly as possible, I had to step in.”
“The American captain I could see had a revolver in a holster and his hand was placed on it. Another one of his crew had a 12-gauge shotgun. I signed over to my colleague Ian, who was perched on top of a neary shipping container, to get his rifle ready. However, the yelling died down. Then, I hear laughter. I think tensions have dropped, untilout of nowhere the captain pulls out his revolver completely unprovoked and blows the clients brains out.”
“It wasn’t like the movies or anything, as I’. Just a loud pop, and then he just dropped like a brick. I returned fire with my pistol but missed. A guy with a shotgun fires back and one of the bucks got me in the elbow,”
Holly showed Casper the scars on her elbow where the buckshot spray had hit her.
“I ran for it! Ian was firing too, but these Americans have been using their guns since they were born. They may be stupid, but they can shoot a lot more accurately than us. Ian got hit, I kept running and those bastards were on my tail. I knew the docks well, so figured I could lose them between all the shipping containers, but they were fast. I heard them taunting me as well, shouting stuff like ‘C’mon baby, wait for daddy’ or ‘if you let us fuck you, we won’t kill you’.”
“I was running for my life, and they saw it as just some fucked up game. I fired behindme a couple of times when I could see them, but both shots missed and then my pistol jammed. After a while, I thought I lost them and hid in an abandoned site office.”
“I hid under the table. It was quiet. I thought I was in the clear, until the door creaks open and one of those dogs was singing Mary Had a Little Lamb while the other two were laughing. They stepped inside and I figured I was dead meat, so I stood up slowly expecting shotgun guy to blast me into oblivion.”
“…Might have been nicer if he did. They beat and then raped me. All three of them. More than once. Ally as well.”
Casper was horrified.
“When they were done, I was unconscious. One of them shot me in the chest hoping to kill me, then they left.”
Holly grabbed her collar and pulled it down exposing a Large bruise on her chest with a point in the middle. Casper cringed in disappoint.
“The shot was too far over and those inbreds missed my heart completely. So, to answer your question Casper, yeah, I hate men. I hate what they did to me, I hate that every single fucking woman I’ve met has a story not too dissimilar from mine about them.” she said through clenched teeth. She turned back to face the ceiling. There was a period of silence.
“I’m really sorry that happened to you” said Casper empathetically.
“Shut up.” Holly said in an irritated tone.
“Does…does that mean you hate me too?” asked Casper.
Holly surprised. “I don’t even know you Casper. I can’t say I feel anything good or bad about you yet.” She turned to face him then sat up and smiled. “But hey! Having a wank while I’m trying to sleep isn’t the best start.”
Casper felt guilty that he made Holly feel that way, he felt disgusting and perverted. He put the covers over his head. “I’m sorry” he said and sobbed into his hands.
“Are you crying? God! Guys in here are something else!” Holly turned to face the wall again. “Look Casper, I know you’re sensitive, but you need to have thicker skin. I’m talking from experience. There are women in here that will pick you to pieces when they see it.”
On the other side of the cell block, Mark sat up in his bunk. His cellmate Sean was sleep on the bunk above. His uniform top was lying on the floor next to him. In one hand he held a sharp piece of plastic he found in the yard. He was agitated and breathing heavily. He turned to look in the mirror above the sink and could just about make out his reflection in the dark. He whispered repeatedly almost as if in a mantra, “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” The tension inside him built and built he couldn’t take it anyway. “I FUCKING HATE YOU!” He swiftly pressed the plastic into the skin on his chest above his nipple and drew it across in a deep cut. He felt somewhat saved and sat blankly staring into space for a while catching his breath. The relief slowly turned into darkness inside that felt as if he were being dragged down. He looked at his fingers, there was blood. He put his hand over the wound, then lay down on the bunk. There were scars all over his torso and arms.
The next morning was like the last. Casper was torn mid-dream from the alarm and the lights going on. “Shut up” moaned Holly from underneath her duvet. Casper felt his morning wood trying to stretch but being compressed tightly within the cage. He waited attentively for the guard to come and unlock his cuffs. The guard that arrived was the same one that had distributed him the day before for forgetting his card. She smiled when she saw him.
“Morning, you sleep well?” she asked unlocking his cuffs.
“Not so bad, I suppose” he replied not looking at her.
“And how’s the bum doing?” she asked.
“Better, it stung for a bit yesterday. But I’ve got my card in my pocket now.”
She pinched his cheek lightly and shook it softly giggling “Good boy.” The guard then turned over to face Holly. “C’mon you, get up!”
“Fuck sake” muttered Holly sitting up.
Casper went to the shower block to enjoy a nice hot shower, this time to its full potential, not forgetting to put on soap and shampoo at the start. When he went to wash his penis, he turned to face the wall. He was still too shy to do it in front of everyone else despite them all doing so. The guys he showed with today seemed a bit smaller on average than yesterday’s lot. It made him Feel a bit better about his own height. He noticed the other guy’s chests, some were hairy, some had a little hair, and one guys had no hair at all. Casper was quite a hairy guy himself; he wondered if his hair was normal or if he should shake it. When he was with the thieves and they saw him without a top on in the hideout, they’d call him names like monkey or caveman. The guys here seemed to have a bit of variation, so it was good that he wouldn’t stand out.
After showing, Casper headed for breakfast. While in the queue, he noticed that people were sitting down with bowls of porridge and sliced apple. He was disappointed. He thought he’d be having a full breakfast again. He liked porridge anyhow but missed the way his mum would make it. When he got his tray and porridge he looked around, trying to see if he could spot Mark or Tom.
“Casper over here!” a voice he didn’t recognize called out to him. He turned around and saw a woman with long black hair smiling and waving at him. Next to her sat Holly and another girl. Holly was covering her eyes with her hand. He walked over carefully and sat down across from Holly.
“Hi, I’m Louise. Holly said you’re her new Swedish cellmate.” she said playfully. She had a northern Irish accent.
“I’m only half Swedish, I’m Scottish first and fortune.”
“Do you know your way about IKEA then?” asked Louise. Casper laughed gently.
“I used to love going there with my Mum and Dad actually, but I don’t really speak any Swedish anymore if that’s what you’re referring to.”
“Well, I’m from Ireland. Only been in Scotland for as long as I’ve been locked up here.”
She indicated over to the girl sitting next to him, “This is Erin by the way, Holly’s girlfriend.”
“Nice to meet you.” she said, shyly turning to face him. She wore glasses and had shoulder length blonde hair. She was pretty and seemed kind and pleasant.
“Holly pointed you out and I thought we’d introduce ourselves.” said Louise.
Holly was annoyed. “I didn’t think you were going to call him over!”
“Oh, cheer up girl, you live with the lad! Getting to know him a bit wouldn’t hurt, would it?” said Louise. Holly rolled her eyes.
“How are you finding everything so far?”
“I mean, other than being an empty and broken man, I do admit that I’m impressed with this place so far. It’s nothing like what I thought prison would be like. All the staff are nice, yet firm and professional. The food is amazing, it’s very clean and seems to run quite efficiently.” Casper heaped a spoonful of pornographic in his mouth.
Louise looked at him with concern. “Aw, poor Casper. I know what you’re going through, we all feel the same when we came here initially, but once you get into the swing of things, it’s not as bad as you think. Do your time, don’t let your time do you. A quote I heard from someone here that I live by. What is it you’re down for?”
“He was in an armed group of thieves.” Holly interrupted. “He’s a banner like us.”
“Banger?” Casper asked confused.
“Yeah, folk who were in gangs or paramilitaries who had guns. It’s a word we use in here. What was your weapon?” asked Louise.
“Glock 19.” said Casper. “I keep it for emergencies but never actually ended up firing it at anyone, the only thing I ever shot were bottles for practice.”
“Oh, I’ve never used a Glock myself! I carried an Armalite AR-15. I fired it at plenty of bastards who deserved it.” said Louise.
“Mine was a Browning 9 millimetre.” said Holly.
Casper turned to Erin. “Were you a banner as well Erin?” She looked down in shame.
“She ran over her wee cousin by accident.” said Louise. “Had to head out to work while the cousins were over, wee one was playing out in the driveway. Reversed without seeing her.” Erin was obviously upset. “So, her daddy obviously full of grief wanted some sort of justice. Although it being his niece and an accident, he still pressed charges. That’s how our Erin is with us.”
“That’s awful.” said Casper.
“It’s not all bad, she got to meet me after all!” said Holly, picking up Erins hand and softly kissing it. Erins expression changed to a smile looking back at her.
“Where are you from then Casper?” asked Louise.
“Erm, I’m from Glasgow, and you?”
“I’m from Belfast.” said Louise.
“Troon initially for me, and Erins from Montrose.” said Holly.
“I think my Dad went to Belfast. When he was in the army.” said Casper.
Louise’s demeanour turned from playing to serious in an instant. She stared at Casper vengefully.
“So, your daddy, was one sent over to oppress us Irish people?” Holly looked at her concern.
Casper felt intimidated, he looked down in disappoint. “I…don’t know, he barely ever spoke about his time there. It was over 40 years ago now. I wasn’t born yet.”
“Louise is in the IRA”. Holly stated.
“Have you heard about us Casper?” asked Louise still staring him down.
Casper was scared. He wondered if Louise was one of the women Holly warned him about. If so, why were they friends, he thought.
“Yes, I think he said something about them, but I don’t remember.”
“Do you know anything about us Irish people Casper? Do you know our history, what British did to us?”
“Hey! Hey! that’s enough” said Holly putting her hand on Louise’s shoulder. “Louise, his dad’s dead. He wasn’t close with his dad, in fact his dad used to beat him, and even if he was close with him, it wouldn’t matter. However you think his dad wronged your people, that’s not on him. Just back-off will you?”
Louise continued to star at him menacingly. Casper didn’t feel welcome.
“I think it might be best if I leave you to have your breakfast without me.” said Casper.
“Smart boy” said Louise coldly.
He stood up with his tray and went to find somewhere else to sit. He was distressed. He didn’t both trying to find someone else and just settled for the first empty seat he saw. He sat down next to a group of guys and finished his porridge; it wasn’t as nice as his mum’s; it wasn’t as creamy nor as sweet as she made it.
Casper’s heart sank again when Jane walked into the hall, she made the work announcement. Casper didn’t dare look at her, he just listened, but even her voice made him upset. Caspers work group was on kitchen duty today, after breakfast he assembled with his group in the kitchen as soon as Jane left. He washed his plate then stayed put waiting for the others to join him.
Tom greeted him with a smile “Morning mate” he said patting him on the back. “Good to see you again, sleep well?” Casper looked off to the side and nodded.
“Good. The Kitchen shift can be a pain in the arse, it’s the longest. We’ll be here until dinner.”
There goes my day then Casper thought.
“We’ve a stereo here, so it’s not so bad. You can borrow CD’s from the library and I’ve brought some with me.” Tom moved his hand up slightly showing he was carrying a plastic bag. “What music do you like?” he asked.
It had been a long time since Casper had listened to most of his favourite bands. During the war, when he lived with his grandmother at the cottage, there was no Wi-Fi, and they couldn’t stream anything. He was at the mercy of whatever was broadcast on the radio. By the time he had returned to Glasgow, the last thing on anyone’s mind was music. The focus was always survive.
He remembered when he was with the thieves that Molly had a CD player that eventually stopped working. He remembered that she would listen to Death Metal bands with names like Immolation, Dying Fetus, and Decapitated. Most often, just before they headed out on an experiment to put herself in the right mindset for the bloodshed and violence. Casper didn’t like extreme Metal like that though. The last time Casper had listened to any of his favourite bands regularly was before the war. It took him a minute to think back to the ones he used to really like.
“I really like Rock and Metal bands like Linkin Park, Blink 182 and System of a Down.” he said.
“Linkin Park?” Tom said curiously. “I’ve not heard them in ages. I used to really like that song In the End. I’m more of an Indie kind of guy myself. I’ll show you what I’ve brought with me.” Tom reached into his bag and pulled out a handful of CD’S. He presented them to Casper individually. “R.E.M, Artic Monkeys, Arcade Fire, Joy Division, and Depeche Mode.”
Those are the kind of bands my dad would listen to thought Casper.
“Do you think there’s one you’d like?” asked Tom. Casper thought for a minute.
“I think my dad liked R.E.M, I remember a couple of their songs. Maybe that’ll be a good one.”
“Brilliant! I’ll see if I can put it on first. Though I’m not sure if anyone else has brought music with them, we’ll see.”
The kitchen got less and less busy as the other prisoners finished cleaning their dishes and headed off to their specific work locations. The rest of Caspers group showed up and talked among themselves. The kitchen was a mess, there were oats all over the floor, dirty trays and cutlery straight around.
“If we’re starting kitchen shift now, did the guards cook breakfast?” asked Casper.
“Yeah, breakfast needs to be prepped from about 5.30am. They want all of us prisoners getting up at the same time, so breakfast is prepped and served by the guards. Though it’s up to us to do everything else.” replied Tom.
The kitchen here was a lot bigger than the one Casper worked in when he was a teenager. Seeing a large serving kitchen like this brought home a lot of bad memories of the long back-breaking and thankless shifts he put in at the restaurant. He was already dreading it.
A guard stepped into the kitchen and addressed them, “I believe we have a first timer here on kitchen duty today” she said. She inspected her clipboard. “Casper! Where are you?” she looked up.
Tom grabbed Casper’s shoulders gently shaking him from side to side, “That’s the man here!” They all laughed. Casper felt humiliated.
“So, if no one got there before me, kitchen duty is the only shift that lasts all day until dinner. You’ll prepare and serve lunch, then dinner, followed by a thorough clean of the kitchen and the mess hall.”
The guard then went through the register to confirm everyone’s presence. She continued once she could see they were all there. “Today’s lunch menu is Scotch Brother with a slice ofbread, and tuna sweetcorn sandwiches for the out of block workers. Dinner is mince and tattoos. Does someone want to show Casper the ropes today?”
“I’ll sort him out.” said Tom.
“Okay, brilliant. Any questions Casper, ask Tom or come find me. I’ll just be out in the hall doing some paperwork. As for you lot, you know the drill, let’s go!”
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