I was holding my breath when I opened my front door. Those two raps were her first command of the night.
“Eyes down,” She said the moment I pulled the door open. I only saw a flash of a grin before I let my chin drop.
She strolled in, walking into my apartment slowly, carefully. With my eyes glued to my shoes, I could only listen to Her. I listened to the gentle rustle of Her clothes folding and unfolding over Her, picking apart the sound for some clues to what She had hurt that night. I painted pictures in silk and leather, all framed by that grin. It was the only flash She’d allowed me. After a moment standing there, trying to parse a skimming glance that might have been stockings gently brushing each other as legs crossed, I heard Her chuckle.
“Close the door, Cerdito.” And, I did. “Then turn around. Keep your head down.” I did.
She moved a few steps deeper into my apartment. Heel. Toe. Heel. Toe. Both clicked a little as they landed.
“Take off yourclothes, and leave them in the middle of the floor,” She said, her voice coming calm and even, like she was reading off a line from a recipe. I started undoing my belt.
Her voice bounced off different walls as she spoke. She was looking around, taking it all in. I’d cleaned, straightened the art on the walls, and in a fit of anxiety the night before, I’d alphabetized my DVD’s. Now with her here, I wish I’d tucked They away. I was suddenly terrified by what she might think based on the fact that I owned the Dark Knight Trilogy box set. It was a gift from my Aunt, who assumed every man in his late twentyties was in love with those movies. I liked them fine, but that was it.
“When you’re done, go sit in your bathtub.” She seemed to the will the words into the air. If She had any opinion on my interior design, She gave no signal at all. I unbuttoned my shirt and folded it on top of my pants.
“Close the door behind you when you go and keep the lights off.” I could hear Her move to the back of my apartment, towards the bedroom. Heel. Toe. Heel. Toe. Heel. Toe. As I heard my bedroom door open, She finally let a little infection slip. “I’ll tell you when you can come out.” I could picture Her grin making those words, and it made me smile.
Bathtubs tend to have an echo anyway, and when you combine that with a small New York bathroom, the smallest sound can Take a long while bouncing off the walls. The tiniest shuffle of my feet had never been louder. Settling down into the tub in near pitch darkness became a careful operation, and I used my toes to feel for the edges.
I wrapped my arms around my knees, breathing through the chill that was climbing up my backside. She was here. After all the conversations, the pictures, the nights gasping over the phone, and the mornings texting Her with so little sleep, She’d finally made her way to my coast, and was wandering my bedroom, plotting God knows what marvelous things. Sitting there, picturing Her shift my closetdoor, or sit on my bed, my breath caught. I tried to calm myself down. After everything, I wanted the longest night she’d allow Me.
“Come out, Cerdito,” She said from my bedroom. A moment later I heard the bedroom door close. I wasn’t stepping out to see Her.
I could feel the open window as I stepped into the kitchen. The breeze curled past me, and both my breath and bare skin drew up tight. I felt it everywhere all at once; in one motion my chest, my ass, my calves all went taut in the cold air running through my kitchen. My clothes were gone. She hadn’t left me a stitch.
All the lights were off, but I could see a flicker dancing deeper in my railroad apartment. I moved to the living room, fighting off the temptation to wrap my arms around myself. I knew She wouldn’t I remember liking the book when Ibought it, and thinking it was a good adult coffee table book to have in my new apartment. It started serving as a coaster within a week, and it had been hard at the job ever since. Circling the candle, She’d left me my outfit: a pair of fishnets, a leather mask with yellow feathers around the edges, a pair of sequenced shorts, and a small bottle of body paint.
“Get dressed, but do not open the door to my bedroom.”
Her bedroom.
“Do not put on anything I did not lay out for you. Tell when you’re done.”
The fishnets were still in their packaging and opening them by the light of candle was a bit of a challenge. I could feel my fingers rushing at first. I did not want to keep her waiting, and as I fumbled them to the ground, I felt my cheeses redden. Once I had the fishnets in hand, I took another breath. I wanted the longest possible night.
So, I took my time bundling them up, folding each leg up between pointer and thumb. I wanted to lace them on as smoothlyas possible. I slipped them over my toes and up, slowly placing the criss cross down over my ankle, then calm, then tigh, then hip. I pulled the shorts on over the fishnets. The sequins sat loose on the string, and the color would change from purple to silver if you ran your hand along your ass. Purple was Her favorite color. She told me once how purple was a royal color. It was early on. I asked about Her favorite color as a joke, and then suddenly there was fifteen minutes about how in the past to make purple dye, they had to crack open snail shells and pull it out and you’d maybe get a drop. That it was rare and difficult, and that made it worth something. There was always a reason for what She did.
My chest felt bare, so I took up the body paint and focused there. I painted line after line. I painted my entire rib cage. I painted my bones for Her, and part of me wondered if I was painting targets.
Finally, I pulled the leather mask to my face. It was lighter than I expected; thin but sturdy skin covered from the middle of my forehead down to the tip of my nose. The leather ran just over my cheekbones, before curling up right before my ears. At every edge, tiny yellow feathers peeked out. The cool cling of the leather made every other inch of skin feel even more naked, but the warm softness of the feathers put me at ease. She has a reason for everything.
I knocked.
She did not hesitate.
“Kneel.”
I heard her and fell to my knees without thinking. As my body hit the floor, a shot of fear went through me. I hadn’t even thought about the request. I hadn’t processed it at all. She’d said it, and before I had even really parsed what she’d said, I was already falling. It wasn’t even compliance. She spoke it, and then it was true.
“Are you dressed, Cerdito?”
“Yes.”
“Good. I want you to knee with your legs open, and your hands behind your back, Cerdito,” She said. I could hear her moving. Moving closer to the closeddoor in front of me. “I want you,” She said. “I want you to knee there and think about what you want. I want you to think about exactly what you want to happen when you come into my bedroom.”
Her bedroom.
“I want you to think about exactly what you want,” She said. “Those things you’re thinking of now, without editing. Those things you want without reflection. The things your body wants before your mind has time to mess it up.”
I took a breath, but my hands twitched behind my back. I wanted Her. And I wanted Her to want me. I didn’t even want Her to want me for sex. I wanted Her to want me for something. Anything. I wanted Her to want my body for some devilish design, and I didn’t much care what it was, so long as it made Her smile.
Then came the images: images of kneeling in front of Her, my lips and tongue reaching. I pictured Her tying and tugging at the ropes, arching me back. I pictured Her with fingers in my hair, with Her hand at my throat, with a knee between my legs, starting lovely and turning painful. Always grinning.
I pictured myself as a canvas, bare, drawn, taut, and ready for Her expression. I wanted to feel Her fingertips press into me and make my skin red with Her thoughts and intentions. I wanted to melt away into the image she could brand into me.
As I sat with legs played, and knees growing sore on the hardwood floor, I listened, and I waited. Then Her voice from the other side of the door.
“Remember this,” She said. “Remember what you thought you wanted.”
Then she opened Her bedroom door, and I smiled.
We’d both been waiting months for that door to open.
(Continued in part two.)
Special thanks to my editors, JackyRussell and macktosh.
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