It was such a hurried exodus. He set our few hastily gathered belongings down on the shining floorboards and I let my kittens out of their cramped carrier to investigate their new surroundings. They were mewling essentially in their unwelcome confinement. We both stood in silence in the center of the cavernous room of wood and stone. It felt like the honeymoon was well and truly over. It was not until then I began to cry. He did not turn to me, he did not comfort me, he just stood like a status looking out across the lake, his gray gaze far away.
“Quiet!”
His suddenly outburst sent me scudding to the floorboards at his feet. My crying dissolved into fear. I cowered before him, I had so much to confess, and no courage or voice to do so. Not after this, I couldn’t.
“I think we might move,” he said.
I did not answer, move here, or somewhere else? He was thinking hard, anyone could see the worry and agitation etched into his features at this new, unexpected turn of events.
We spent the night in the grip of silence, he sat poking at the hot coals in the fireplace absently. Though he was not cold he had lit it for my comfort. I was next to him wrapped in no more than a thick blanket, it felt like old times. Suki was in my lap purring, a comfort. It was better not to speak, I kept glancing at his stoic vision, his skin broken and swollen, he looked like a victorious savage returned fresh from the battlefield. I was worried he needed more than just ice and a washcloth, and I wondered over Frej’s state as well. This was crazy, this feud between brothers had gone beyond anything I had dreamed.
His phone, he answered reluctantly, he was having difficulty talking through his broken lips. His father, it could be no one else. He did not say much in explanation of the violent Afternoon, skillfully turning the family crisis aside in favor of work. I knew the company was racing on some projects to be in a better position over the winter months. ToMy surprise just before his parting goodbye to his father he said. “Disown him.” I felt cold as he hung up, as though I had been present at the declaration of a death warrant.
I rose to get more ice, it was easing the swelling. Suki was most indignant at being displaced from my lap. Mr Eriksen senior couldn’t, he wouldn’t, would he? I returned and was pressing the ice to his face, his eyes were closed. What would happen now I wondered?
The fire had burned low but was still radiating welcome heat, I was almost too hot shrouded in my blanket. I eased it from my shoulders a little, and he watched me do so. Eyes on me he turned and took up one of the ice cubes I had in the washcloth between his finger and thumb. He touched my heated skin in the cleft between my breasts, the ice bit like fire and melted on contact with my flesh. The resultant water trickled down my skin. A gasp as he traced the frigid item lower to my belly, then lower still. He lingered on my clip, I was whimpering but had learned it was inadvisable to pull away. Intense feelings drowning out all else, then he pushed the ice cube up inside me and held it in place while it melted, and the water trickled down my inner thighs.
I was on my knees my mouth in a surprised O, he smiled looking all the consummate villain with his split lips and bruised and cut vision. That very same smile hurt him, but it was geneuine nonetheless. He was the balance between ruthless and kind, I had never met another man quite like him. He was Frej, yet he was infinitely more refined.
He leaned forward, and as he did so he withdraw his invading finger, the ice cube had mostly melted away yet the frozen sensing lingered.
“None will have you Lidia, but I.” Frej’s words, yet they were not so cheap. After this afternoon I He meant it, and he was not afraid to act on what he had freely boasted.
His hands parted the blanket, his mouth seeking my nipples. My face was buried in hislong hair, his scent, the essence of him in my nostrils. I put my arms over his strong shoulders and about his bull neck, my fingers tangling in his golden locks. Long moments passed and after much teasing pleasure, he raised his face to meet mine. He cupped my face in his powerful hands, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs in deep loving regard. He kissed me then, and I could taste the traces of blood on his breath and his tongue. He bore me to the floor and took me with great gusto where I lay, lavishing me with more kisses. I held on to him clawing at his back, emitting moans of sweet pleasure mingled with pain and joy.
******
I have changed everything, with one foolish action. It can never be the same, I will confess it here, and yes I am guilty as charged. I broke the trust, I injured Master Svend, as he has injured me. In my blind quest to satisfy my own childish fancy, I think I have tainted all the good I may have had. This is what I did, and looking back on it I am dEeply ashamed……….
It’s dark, past midnight, he has long ago fallen to sleep. I have left the bed and he is oblivious. I pull on my clothes and quietly leave the house, first I go to the back garden the place where I knee and bare myself before the Goddess just as I have seen him do. I tell her my troubles, I make my prayers, I hope she hears them. I incline my head and leave to go to the front of his home and I walk along the street.
There are few streetlights here, the tendrils of winter are already reaching into my bones. Winter is almost on me and digging into the landscape of my soul. I am bitter and quite lost in a sea of defeat, bad thoughts crowd into my mind. I’ve done it once and I realize with a terrible clarity I can do so again, it is not hard to stop living. I have memorized the way, I go to him like a sacrifice. The one man who can understand all that which I am. The man who has made me, me. He and I are two failures together, I no longer care what hedoes.
Five minutes to drive, much longer to walk and think on the cold dark streets. A car passes by me slowly approaching from behind, I want it gone from my presence I feel so much better alone, anonymous in the dark. I watch the retreating cherry red of its taillights and it is gone from view. All I can think of is blood.
His expand home, I am here at last the turrets thrusting skyward in three-story splendor. A light draws my eyes to the uppermost story, is he awake, is he as troubled as I? Is she there, or is it only him at home? I do not have these answers, still I am drawn forward like an automaton on my dangerous course.
The great stone lions appear to turn their heads to watch me as I pass by, this lesser mortal in their sights prostrating itself before the rightful Masters. Take me hurt me, finish what you should have, it is after all my destiny. The iron-bound doors loom before me it must be the hour after two am. I take a deep breath and grasp the heavy door knocker.
How does it feel to announce oneself on the devil’s doorstep? To be true breathtaking, deliciously evil beyond compare. I am ready. I open my eyes as the door opens. I am now standing bathed in a shake of light, but it is not his face I see, nor even hers. It is the face of an elderly male stranger, even at this hour he seems unruffled and ready for any request. I’m afraid for a moment I have erred, that this is not his home, but I know it is.
“I need to see Frej, err Mr Eriksen. It is most urgent Sir.”
The elderly man looks at me he is tall and thin, stately even. I realize then he is a butler. “I’m sorry Miss, but Mr Eriksen has been unwell and is not at liberty to take any guests at this time. I shall get the Mistress of the house.” He has turned, and he is already walking away. I wait frozen, powerless, my plan foiled. Feeling like a street cat left on a doorstep.
“Is this what you decreed Goddess?” I whisper to the night air and the silent gardens beyond. “That I come so close to him and be denied my dues?” There is no answer, just a cool breeze that is on the rise rustling through the almost denuded trees and the stout connifers.
Her footsteps, she is in a silica bathrobe and matching slippers, she wore her diamonds to bed. Even at this hour, she looks divine, she has a cell phone clutched in her hand.
“Lidia why are you here?” She admonishes, I feel like a schoolgirl caught playing true. I cast my eyes to the ground. “Svend will be furious with you.”
Yes, he would but the aftermath of this possible failed mission could wait until later.
“I was troubled, I could not sleep. I came to see you, and him.”
“Do not lie to me, it was Frej you came to see.” Her voice was stern, her eyes like ice chips on me. Did jealousy lie there?
“Yes, Madame.” I admitted swiftly. Knowing she saw through my motives, there was little point in furthering the lie.
“Come inside.” She said. I compiled glad to, the exertion of the walk and the fact I had been standing had now made me cold. She closed the door on the damp night air.
“Please Madam, I beg you let me see him?”
She looked at me confident in her power. “Very well,” she said. I was not expecting her answer. She led me upstairs, I was some nervous but far from fear-filled. This home was very large, with corridors running in many directions, and vast slews of polished marble and stone. She led me to a bedroom, one of many. It stood apart from the others on the third story, it was a pleasant room, one I would have happily taken myself if given the choice. I was sure it was the one I had earlier observed on my approach with the solidary lamp aglow. She stood back from the door and bid me to pass through it. The room was a rich red, a king’s boudoir, vibrant, luxury.
“I will leave you, enjoy your visit, but don’t expect too much.” She laughed behind me and retired down the hallway.
A chill descended over me then, I was unprotected and alone. She had given me my wish, but why? I walked further over the threshold, the room was lit by the warm glow of just a single bedside lamp. A small sound in this large room, the sound of a man in deep slumber, I was drawn closer to the bed.
My first thought was, did they not share a bed? He was fast sleep lying on his back, his golden hair spinling in Abundance over the black pillows propped behind his head, his right arm in a sling, his shoulder wrapped in bandages. I hovered by the bedside, shaking in his presence, he looked sublimely peaceful. My hand went to touch his hand that lay ily on top of the covers, he clasped my fingers reflexively but did not awaken. I looked long at his wedding band. He loved her I knew, but did she really love him. I suspected not. The thought made me even sadder than I had been before.
The bed was too high for me to knee beside him so I stood and put my lips to his knuckles. “I’veMissed you Sir.” I whispered, yet he did not wake. My eyes were clouding with tears, they ran and dropped from my cheeks to appear as diamonds against the black coverts. “I love you Sir,” and I realized I still did. His existence was the impediment to me giving my love to any other. At that moment I just wanted him to open his emerald eyes and tell me I was again his slave. Even if I had to live Alongside her, even if I had to suffer his cruelties.
Tumultuous emotions unleashed, so many unfinished things to be said between us, things we could never give voice to. I climbed into the large bed and lay against him sobbing my woes and my shortcomings onto his chest. He moved slightly but did not stir, I looked across at the bedside cabinet and saw the bottle of sleeping pills. I cried harder knowing he would Not wake. I had been duped even of this.
******
He was looking at me clearly unimpressed, a swift glance at the window showed me it was still dark. I must not haveslept at Frej’s side for very long. Birgitte was standing just behind Master Svend, he looked at her, and he looked back at me. He was seeing in his anger, he reached for me.
“Home, now.” Was all he said as he pulled me to my feet, he looked consistently at Birgitte one more time, and he escorted me out to his waiting car with not one word of farewell.
His eyes were focused ahead on the road. I was glad he did not look at me. I did not think I could bear it. We drove into his garage and he marched me inside. He did not speak at all, his face was hard. I knew I had seriously worried and disappointed him, there was nothing I could say to make it better, nothing at all the damage was done. His hand went to my hair, I winced he was in a loveless mood, one I had courted. Do what you want to me I don’t care, I thought. Though I found I was fretting over Elaine, had he not said she would suffer in my stead, as he led me to the basement.
“Get in.” He had opened the cage, the one I dreaded and had refused to try previously, though it lured me strongly at least in a fantasy sense. I got down on my hands and knees. “You are forgetting something?” He said dryly. I stared up at him blankly and then realized he wanted me to disrobe. I did so and backed into the cage, he closed the front doors about my neck and he then commenced to shade my hands and tights to the bars. I was completely immobilized.
“I’m angry slave, very angry.” I did not doubt it, his voice was somehow different, his demeanor bleak. “You disappoint me Lidia, I thought we were getting somewhere, making progress. I guess I was wrong.”
He was hard to read, he did not exhibit outbursts of raw, exposed, emotions as Frej did. Sometimes I missed that easy-to-read honesty. He pulled up the only chair, it was not unlike the chrome one Frej used to tie me to in the kitchen, he sat backward on it his legs straddling its backrest, his arms on the top of it.
“Let me tell you girl howit is. How I see us and the future.” He sounded very ominous. “You are damaged goods, most real slaves are.” He was looking right at me as he made this statement. “Like it or not that’s what I’m left with, and what Frej has made you. I really don’t think no matter how I encourage you, you will attempt to even try to cross the line to help yourself. I don’t see you living a life of a normal woman, having independence, shopping alone, maintaining a job, not that you need one. Doing anything really, unsupervised. I saw this a long time ago, to be honest it did not daunt me, I expected it. Tonight you just reinforced what you are, what you will always be, a slave. A slave I will still love, a slave I will still marry. Do you have any idea of your worth? Do you?”
I looked up at him, I was very uncomfortable already. My nose was itching and I couldn’t scratch it. I prayed he was only going to leave me this way while he talked. “You don’t, do you?” He shook his head. “You have no idea at all. You may be a slave, a real deal slave, but you have no idea of the power of what you are. Let me tell you shall I?” He leaned further forward for fierce effect.
My knees were hurting, and I was feeling increasingly agitated. He shifted his weight on the chair, I wished I could. “The chances of finding someone like you for most men are almost non existent. I’ve done it twice, and I am not letting this slip away. I do have the ability to not let real life get in the way of what you represent, if you need to be locked away from the world I can do that. I have hoped for better, but after this evening I see that possibly it’s all you can live by, restrictions and heavy handed rules. Ona did not need them but I see you do.”
He was comparing us yet again, however I could not Claim innocent. I compared him to Frej all the time.
“He may have taken you tonight and kept you, in fact I’m sure of it. I don’t blow him, I would have done the same. Do you really think in that fanciful mind of yours you would have been better off, do you?” He leaned forward his eyes boring into mine, the chair creaked he was no light man, he put his hand under my chin and held my face so that he might look at me and avoid evaluation. “I’ve seen what you are Lidia, the ugliness of it, and the beauty as well, and you know what I think?” I tried to look away from him, I was not fond of This kind of inquisition. “I think you are ill, very ill. I think you need help, more help than I alone can give you. Outside professional help.”
Panic then, fluttering of my heart, a quickening of breath. He had hit a raw nerve.
“You went to him to die, to suicide. You went to him to dare his wrath on you knowing you may not be able to take it, knowing what he may do? A selfish wish of a little girl, a girl who is so small minded she cannot see. You didn’t think what you would do to him, you didn’t think what would happen to this family. You never gave me a thought either, you didn’tcare what I felt when I woke and you were gone. All you want is this.” He touched the inside of my arms, the scars of my botched suicide attempt. I could not hide nor pull away. “You are a coward Lidia!” He spat in my face. “The little girl who refuses to grow up! If I need to be your father I will, your jailor too if necessary; husband, father, warden, I care not. I have decided tonight After this little episode I will get you the help you need. You may not thank me for it, but I have decided.”
“Nooooooo,” The rare forbidden word surfaced. “Please Sir, please.”
A slap in response, a jarring one to the side of my face, there was no way to avoid it.
“I have decided, you need help Lidia. It is my duty to get it for you. You will not harm yourself, you will not harm others by your irresponsible actions.” He rose from his place, I looked at him then expectedly. He smiled, it was a cruel smile, one I had never seen on him before. “I know what you are now Lidia, and what Imust provide. Yes, I know now. You need me to be as Frej don’t you?” Horrible but true words he had given life to. I did not deny what he had offered. “You can stay there and dwell on what you have done. I have work to do.”
As he turned from me the sight of his back caused me to explode in wretched anger. I began to scream at him. He looked at me one more time before ascending the stairs. “Scream all you want Lidia, no one is going to hear you here.” The closing thud of the door at the top of the stairs and he was gone.
He left me there alone all day, to begin with, I spent a great deal of energy shouting and crying. Until fatigue and gnawing body needs silenced me. He never appeared, and I had no idea of the hour. I itched, but I had no way of relieving my disappoint, worse Still the mounting need to pee. I remembered the night Frej had made me piss myself in the kitchen, how I felt, and how he had gradually chipped the pieces of my decency away. Don’t fight it, Lidia, you are not human, you are an animal, one he keeps like a pet that’s all. The other voice debating, Lidia where is your dignity? In a short time, the animal had won all too easily.
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